THIS ISSUE: *Is an egg donor a mother? *Announcing a pregnancy on Mother’s Day. *What happens in a counseling session between donor and recipient(s)?
As an egg donor, do you consider yourself a mother?
Biologically, yes, but day-to-day, no. I’m a biological mother to Rachael and Sam, and I’ll always be available to them if they have any questions, from my medical history down to my first movie-star crush. I consider their real mothers to be Angela and Kate, my egg recipients (I donated my eggs to two separate couples, both good friends.) They’re the ones who supervise homework, run carpool, listen and worry. Motherhood reaches far beyond providing an egg or carrying a child, significant though they are. I respect it involves myriad sacrifices of sheer energy, time and sanity as a mother provides for her little one, loving them and guiding them. I love Rachael and Sam as a niece and a nephew.
Mother’s Day is coming up. We’ve just found out we’re pregnant─ and my sister is struggling with infertility. I’m excited to share the news, but dreading the family get together.
Congratulations! It sounds as though you’re planning to make a big announcement. That’s certainly your choice, and you sound sensitive to your sister’s situation. Consider telling her before Mother’s Day, allowing her time to digest the news privately. Trust that she is happy for you, even if her initial reaction is not all you’re hoping for. She’ll appreciate your giving her privacy for that. Sometimes women in your situation don’t want to tell their sister or friend, so as not to upset them. But she’ll need to know at some point, and knowing is better than being kept on the outer. Many women navigating infertility already feel isolated.
You’ve written about a group counseling session with you, your husband and the couple you donated to. What can I expect when we do something similar?
I assume you’re a known donor, such a relative or friend. First, there’s no test to pass or fail, and no silly questions. It’s a chance for you all talk through what this will look like in the short- and long-term, and to manage your expectations. The counselor will ensure that everyone feels heard, and will pose some scenarios to tease things out. For example, what contact do you expect to have with any child or children? What relationship do you envisage, if any? Will the parent(s) tell their child of his/her origins? Are you comfortable that you will have no legal rights to the child, along with no say as to their education, faith or other key decisions in raising them? If you have a partner, how does he/she feel about all this? See it as an important investment in your time.
Column is not a substitute for medical or legal advice.
Alicia Young is a journalist, speaker, and author of the award-winning Two Eggs, Two Kids: An egg donor’s account of friendship, infertility & secrets. She has a background in social work counseling and journalism and has volunteered at a leprosy hospital in India. In her spare time, Alicia handles parasols and power tools with equal ease (not really, but she helpfully holds the flashlight when needed). Based in the US; speaks internationally. @AskanEggDonor www.savvylife.net Questions? info@savvylife.net © 2016 Alicia Young.
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