My husband’s parents object to us using an egg donor. It began with a few moans and groans, now they’re saying they’re reconsidering the wills. They insist they won’t consider the child their grandchild and believe science has gone to far (they won’t admit it, but there’s also the what-will-the-neighbor’s-think attitude.). I don’t care about the money, and neither does my husband really, but then, he has a lot more to lose.

…and possibly everything to gain. I respect you have both endured enough and weighed many options before you reached the point of considering egg donation. I can only imagine the pressure and/or guilt your in-laws are exerting, but I implore you to stay strong. They might not agree with your decisions, but they will need to accept and respect them. Please shore-up your support networks in the face of this opposition; you deserve to head down this path equipped with much kindness and compassion. And if it helps to know, I’ve heard from others in a similar situation, and in each case, the baby’s arrival was a tremendously healing gift ─on many levels.

Can you recommend any workshops or conferences to meet others who are facing infertility? Our clinic has information sessions and individual counseling of course, and while that’s been a huge help, I want to meet others. We’re in California.

Resolve New England (resolvenewengland.org) facilitates the country’s only infertility conference especially for consumers. [Disclosure: I’m a past exhibitor, and receive no compensation, directly or in kind, for recommending them.] They present a full program running the gamut of issues facing those who are navigating infertility. And of course, it’s also a wonderful chance to speak to other aspiring parents. This year it will be held on Sat, Nov 05 in Marlborough, Massachusetts. I’d also recommend a support group through the national Resolve chapter (resolve.org). My best wishes you.

Column is not a substitute for medical or legal advice.

Alicia Young is a journalist, speaker, and author of the award-winning Two Eggs, Two Kids: An egg donor’s account of friendship, infertility & secrets. She has a background in social work counseling and journalism. In her spare time, Alicia handles parasols and power tools with equal ease (not really, but she helpfully holds the flashlight when needed). Based in the US; speaks internationally. @AskanEggDonor www.savvylife.net Questions? askaneggdonor@hotmail.com © 2016 Alicia Young.

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WINNERS!

$5000 in Prizes!

 2014 SAVVY LIFE AWARDS/SAVVY GIRL AWARDS

The inaugural Savvy Life Awards/Savvy Girl Awards has now wrapped up, and our thanks to each person who entered. You came from all across the US! We took inspiration as you shared your thoughts on a savvy life, and how you help your family, friends and wider communities.

In addition to the prizes below, winners will receive a copy of Alicia Young’s award-winning book, The Savvy Girl’s Guide to Grace: small touches with big impact—at work, home & in love. It explores ways to tap our inner Audrey Hepburn, told with humor and anecdotes from Savvy Girls around the world (ps: It makes a great graduation gift! See the Amazon link to your right, or at  www.savvylife.net).

Special thanks to Charmaine Lobo of www.loboluxe.com for providing stunning jewelry pieces for our giveaways during Savvy Life Awards Week!

  The Savvy Blogger Award: TIE

• $500  won by Cloris Kylie, an accomplished author, podcast host and blogger whose posts lift and inspire. www.cloriskylie.com
•  $500 won by Michelle Zaffino of San Francisco, CA. Michelle is a dynamic writer, librarian and blogger. Learn more at www.inthestacks.tv and www.michellezaffino.com

The Savvy Girl Award (College)

•  $1000 won by Trang Pham of Houston, Texas. Trang is studying English and plans to become a nurse. She is bright, hard-working and driven.

 The Savvy Girl Award (High School Senior)

• $500 won by Ariana T. of Brentwood, New York. Ariana is passionate about helping her community, and plans to become a police officer when she finishes school. 

 The Savvy Citizen Award: TIE

• $250 won by Joan Maset, of Houston, Texas. Joan is a special education nurse, working mostly with non-verbal, severely disabled students. She loves to help them feel capable and special.
• $250 won by Joyce Wolak, also of Houston, Texas. Joyce is a talented songwriter and poet whose work touches many. www.lessonsfromlyrics.com

Spread the Word Prizes:

• $500 won by LeTonya McCarter of Houston, Texas. LeTonya is very active is her community, volunteering for school functions, fieldtrips, and also for her local football team and church.
• $250  won by New Life Hiking Spa, Killington, Vermont: New Life offers delicious food, stunning hikes and a welcome chance to relax (their new season opens May 15!).  www.newlifehikingspa.com
• $250  won by Kimberly Fisher, of New York, New York. Kimberly is a vibrant writer, blogger and founder of LuxeSoul magazine (tagline: Feel Good. Do Good. Be Good.) www.luxesoul.com and www.kimberlyfisher.com

 Savvy Life Award Week Giveaways:

• $250 gift certificate to www.loboluxe.com won by Amy Edwards of Monticello, Kentucky. Amy lost her father to colon cancer, and now runs the annual “Big Blue Lunch” to raise money and awareness.
• $250  gift certificate to www.loboluxe.com won by Faith Nanavaty, of Madison, Mississippi.  Faith logs many hours  working with the homeless, and providing practical and spiritual support. www.wewillgo.org
  
•  $250  won by Sr. Jean Marie Guokas of Houston, Texas. Sr. Jean has been helping her community for decades, offering help, compassion and guidance.
• $250  won by Sheila Kessler of Monticello, Kentucky. Sheila juggles  a college load with volunteer projects, including trash pickups and day camps for her local JTROC. (Junior Reserve Officers’ Training Corps).

Our congratulations again to everyone!

Alicia & The Team at Savvy Life Awards/Savvy Girl Awards

info@savvylife.net

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Could you organize the group gift?

Could you babysit this weekend?

Could you lend me some money (again)?

Meet Carla. She said yes to all these requests—this past weekend.

People who meet her see a dynamic, caring and accomplished woman.

They’re right.They’re just missing something—Carla is a people-pleaser. You won’t find it highlighted on her resume, or part of her online profile, but it’s there.

Carla struggles to say no. She is warm and caring at her core, so it’s no act—she wants to help. But then she feels resentful later, when her time is stretched.

Have you ever suffered a little bout of the “the disease to please”? Sure, there are short-term payoffs when we say yes: we feel good, we see the other person’s relief, we hear and feel their appreciation…then later, it hits: how am I going to juggle this?

What’s a Savvy Girl to do?

She starts with a little naval gazing: how many times has she found herself in this position recently (be honest, then pass the chocolate.)? What motivated her? Was it pressure or guilt (more chocolate)? Did it stem from a desire to be liked (break out the Belgian truffles)?

Practice saying no. It seems like petulant toddlers are the only ones allowed to declare “No!” with utter defiance.

Let’s reclaim it.

Say no to small things at first, then work your way up.

If you’re not up to that, buy time: say you’ll think about it, or you’ll need to check, and you’ll get back to them; then email or text, if you’re not comfortable yet saying no in person or on the phone.

Anticipate the guilt trip and the broken-record responses, so that you’re not blindsided by them.

Respect and protect your free time.

Remind yourself that you can support your friends, but you don’t need to take on their problems.

Make this year about saying no.

Then get ready to say yes to the things that you really want to do in your free time.

What sort of things do you find are sticky to say no to? What works for you?

Cheers,

Alicia

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What image stands out for you this year?

As we say goodbye to 2013, I’d like to thank you for your support. Your warmth, insight and encouragement, both on and off these pages, has been a lesson in grace for me. Here’s to a joyful 2014 for us all!

Best wishes,
Alicia

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Let me tell you about one of the most successful people I’ve met. I’m not talking about a world leader, nor a famous athlete … in fact, no-one who would headline a Vegas show, walk the red carpet or stand on a dais.

She was a six year old girl, and I met her while I worked for a time at a rural leprosy hospital in India.

Every morning at first light, she would appear, holding the hand of her four year old brother. Her baby sister, perhaps six or eight months old, was tied to her back with cloth. Each was smaller than the last, like a set of Russian nesting dolls.

Every dawn she got them up, organized and saw to it that their faces were scrubbed clean. She then presented them for their first meal of the day. Often, it was their only meal of the day. Apparently one parent had died, the other had disappeared, no one seemed to know for sure. I often wonder how she is today.

What does a happy or successful life mean to you? From the smallest thing to the big picture, I’d love to hear your thoughts.

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I was inspired today by a fabulous friend (thanks, Blossom!) whose FB post shows the impact of a gift. Let me paraphrase:

A young struggling writer once received a gift of a year’s salary from a friend, with a note that read: “You have a year off from your job to write whatever you please. Merry Christmas.”

That young writer was Harper Lee. And of course, she wrote, To Kill a Mocking Bird.

What an incredible gesture! Not only the sheer generosity in gifting someone a year’s salary, but the generosity of spirit to invest in her as a person. The film was recently re-broadcast in the US, with an introduction by President Obama, paying tribute to its cultural value to entertain and educate in equal measure.

Gifts punctuate our lives for myriad reasons… from an amusing gag gift, to thoughtful help when we’re sick. They herald milestones, and soothe us in times of despair. They ease home life with practical help. The gift of a simple but pivotal recommendation can boost our plans, project or dreams.

I’m so grateful for the gift of my husband’s support through my book journey. It took time away from us, but he never wavered in encouraging me to the finish line.

What gift or gesture has left an impression on you?

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A baby’s laughter is surely one of life’s intoxicating sounds. When little ones are amused, their joyous gurgles bubble up from within. They’re fully in the moment, sometimes unaware of anyone else, perhaps fully engaged in their own toes. And it’s always genuine. A baby doesn’t chortle dryly at some wry political joke, or at their own witty observation, and they certainly don’t laugh at someone else’s misfortune (that dreaded schadenfreude).

Today there’s serious competition to make us laugh, from “Funny or Die” videos, to pay-per-view comedy routines, to any amount of animal antics online to drive traffic to sites.

A sense of humor is a finely tuned instrument; what makes one of us dissolve into fits, could leave someone else bored or scratching their head. Years ago, there was aTV ad that made me laugh every time. It was a sausage. In psychotherapy. You had to be there…

What makes you laugh? And how much is laughter a part of your day, or your relationships with family, friends or colleagues?

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Each of us has a relationship with time. We might bluster through our day, lurching from appointment to appointment, or we might move like molasses, unperturbed.

Society vows “faster” is better. I found a spray called a “sixty-second shower” —apparently, a few good squirts, and you’re good to go. A fast food ad proclaims “Served in nine minutes—or it’s free.”

Carl Honoré is an international journalist, always jetting off to exotic locales—and always battling the clock as he races to file the story. A pivotal moment inspired him to write In Praise of Slowness (Harper Collins, 2004). He was skimming a newspaper between connecting flights, when he spotted an ad for one-minute fairy tales. On the surface, it seemed heaven-sent for a harried father. Then it struck him: why would he want to fast-track that precious time with his two year old?

Consider the language we use around time; we often approach it as a statement of lack, not a statement of abundance. And we equate time to money, that other yardstick of value.
A boss yells, “Where are those reports? Time is money!”
A daughter rolls her eyes and bleats, “Mom, I just can’t spend all day on that!”
Someone else sighs, “My time is stretched so thin right now…”
There simply never seems enough hours in the day.

Except, there is. Consider this: Helen Keller had twenty-four hours in her day. So does Hilary Clinton. So did Mother Teresa.
I appreciate there will always be demands on our time.

What minutes or moments count most in your day?

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So I’m wondering: what are your three most treasured possessions? And here’s a challenge: you can’t say family photos, diaries or books! Here goes:

I have a parasol which I love. I use it every day for sun protection and it makes me smile, the way it harks back to a different time. Its hand-sewn lace border and carved wooden handle conjures a trace element of Downton Abbey. Besides, hats can give us helmet head!

My hands – I loathed them for years and called them my “waitress hands” – which is exactly why I eventually grew to appreciate them. They have carried thousands of dishes and been plunged into hot soapy water repeatedly. Along the way, they helped carve my independence.

A framed black & white photo of the ANZACs (Australia-New Zealand Army Corps.): 800+ young soldiers gathered on the Pyramids in 1915. They look so full of hope, yet most gave their lives for their country’s freedom, and all of them made sacrifices.

How about you?

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If you’re complimented on a dress, how do you respond? “Oh, this old thing?” We can make others feel silly for their seemingly questionable taste. Others think a compliment must be automatically volleyed back to the giver, something like a shuttlecock in badminton. “You look great!” gushes one girl. “You too!” squeals the other. It sounds like a scene in a slasher movie, right before the prom queen meets a grisly fate.

And a Savvy Girl takes a moment to compliment an older lady. These women often take such care before they step into the world, their hair coiffed just so, a carefully chosen brooch setting off a smart blouse. Yet often, no one really notices. Go ahead: tell them! I was once enjoying a lazy read in a London park, where I saw two people greet each other. The man presented the lady with a rose; that was interesting, as she had a suitcase and seemed to be jetting off somewhere. Soon after, they parted. After her friend left, the lady approached a well-dressed older woman at a nearby bench. “I noticed you looking so elegant,” she said. “It made me want to give you this.” The older lady beamed. The flower could easily have been discarded, but the first woman made it count for someone else.

How do you handle compliments?

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